Relationships That Hurt: What I Have Learned From Narcissistic Abuse

I’m a dreamer and my nature is impulsive. I’m the type of person that easily builds castles in the sky and who prefers to keep herself busy instead of checking-in with reality. When I usually meet someone, I’m not seeing the person for who she is in the present moment but for who she might become.

All this, coupled with an extensive historial of wanting to be nice to people and taking care of everyone else but me, makes me a great target to narcissistic abuse. A narcissistic is pretty good at showing you a fantastic image of him/herself. If you’re a dreamer, you will immediately fall for their seductive presence and talk. Overall, they seem perfect – they look great, confident and they seem very in tune with you.

It took me many awful experiences to learn about the red flags and to become aware of my own relationship patterns. Relationships plagued by narcissistic abuse are extremely hurtful. Becoming aware of that made me realise that I had been, in fact, the main responsible for allowing so much hurt into my heart. And one of the things that has helped me dealing with recovery from narcissistic abusive is to acknowledge that there is a certain pattern or cycle that repeats itself every time I get involved with a narcissistic person. Here are the three main steps that I found to be true:

Love Bombing

This is the first step in the “relationship ritual” between a narcissistic and an empath. It can, nonetheless, repeat itself later in the life of the relationship – that’s why it’s a cycle. In the love bombing stage everything is perfect. The other person acts with extreme kindness towards you and gives you a lot of attention. They will be always texting or calling you to establish a (fake) deep connection with you. They will always be there to “like”, “comment” or give you a little bit more of encouragement and reinforcement at the end of a bad day. And of course, since you are so used to be taking care of others, such attention feels strange and good at the same time. The funny thing is that they are aware of your tiny bit of resistance to let them in and therefore they will keep carrying you like a precious diamond, love bombing you, just until the moment they finally feel they “got” you.

Devaluation 

As soon as you let him or her in completely, the narcissistic will lose interest in you and you will realise, almost from night to day, that all the love seems to be gone. No more sweet texts, no more calls during the day, no nothing. However, the narcissistic is very good at what he/she does and he knows your weaknesses. He or she knows that you usually avoid conflict and that you have no sense of boundaries. As a result, the narcissistic will easily discredit any negative comment from you about their sudden behavioural change. In fact, they will do that and worse just to mine your self-esteem and confidence to the point that you will feel helpless. You want and crave the attention you once had, but now you are stonewalled.

The Discard

Now there are two options: either you discard the narcissistic or the narcissistic discards you. In the first option, you will probably buy yourself a hard time of harassment and/or stalking. The narcissistic will resent you and do whatever he or she can to make sure that you know they are still out there, looking at you closely. In the second option, you will probably feel devastated, because after all you still see yourself in the relationship and suddenly you start seeing that the other person was long gone. Plus, you will see how quickly the narcissistic replaces you with someone else and how they seem so in love and caring towards the new person. Some narcissistic people may even try to punish you directly by sharing their most recent love story through social media and close friends. But don’t fool yourself: they are just repeating all the wrong things they did with you.

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